Whyyyyyyy?????

Most of the people who read this blog know at this point that the kidney surgery has been postponed. I was devastated when I found out. Many emotions and tears later, I'm still disappointed, but I have had some time to deal with it and I'm working my way through.

Before I really explain what happened, I think this situation perfectly illustrates some thoughts I've always had regarding "the secret" and the whole law of attraction thing. Now, I believe in the law of attraction, but only to an extent. I do believe in "karma", "what goes around comes around", "do unto others...", and "if you're a good person, good things will happen to you". I do NOT, however, believe that the universe is my "catalog" and that I'm entitled to have everything I want handed over to me if I just assume it's going to happen. I think there is far too much of a sense of entitlement in this day and age with a far smaller percentage of people willing to take ownership of their situations. Why do I bring this up? Because I have been taught a thing or two about positivity and perserverence lately.

I have been about as positive throughout this experience as I've ever been about anything in my life. I've worked hard on banishing all "worst case senario" thoughts from my head. I have done double duty on trying to help others in my family go with the flow and think positively. I've even reached out to God (substitute the universe or another higher power if you prefer) and asked for things to go according to plan. It's ok to ask for things to go according to plan, but more importantly I've discovered the key is to ask for peace and understanding when they don't. Life is not about choosing your desires from a catalog, but instead about appreciating what you are given and learning from the challenges placed before you. I must really need a lesson in patience and taking challenges peacefully because of these most recent events.

To recap, here is what has happened last week:
Everything was prepared for the surgery to take place last Friday. I had work and short term disability sorted out, all of my clients and coworkers had been notified and said goodbye for the time being, I had a little shindig to say goodbye to my kidney with all of my friends, I didn't even grocery shop so I wouldn't get any food that would go bad, etc. etc. On top of that, if the surgery had taken place on time, I would have been sufficiently recovered to be back to work before the holidays, before my boyfriend moves two hours away, and before my sister comes to visit with her kids for Christmas. Perfect right? Maybe that was the problem.

About a week before the surgery, my dad had a normal followup with his cancer doctor. The doctor informed him that the Multiple Myeloma is in remission (yay!), but that he had seen some abnormal activity on a PET scan of his brain (not so yay). I was a little surprised they found any activity up there, abnormal or not. ***Badum bum pshhhh (rimshot)*** So that day he got an MRI done and by that weekend, he was told that he has a benign mass in his brain by the pituitary gland. The mass does not seem to be causing any side effects, but would need to be dealt with at some point. An appointment was set up for the Wednesday before the surgery for him to meet with an ENT surgeon about the mass. The surgeon had consulted with a neurosurgeon and they decided that the mass could wait. The kidney was more important and should be taken care of on schedule. We were thrilled!! Everything was falling into place and those moments of panic seemed behind us. The ENT surgeon said he would call the kidney surgeon to give him the OK to continue. We got a good few hours of warm and fuzzies until the bomb dropped. Near the end of the day, the kidney surgeon called my dad and explained that because of the risk of certain possible complications resulting from a mass near the pituitary, he would not be performing the surgery on Friday. Since that time I have run the gamit of emotions. I still don't fully understand why the surgery absolutely could NOT have taken place, but I am working on accepting that this is something I cannot change. I am trying not to dwell on the fact that my dad is still suffering through dialysis and overall symptoms of kidney failure. It is heartbreaking. Although these thoughts are in my mind at all times, the voice that is telling me that this is all happening for a reason is getting louder little by little. It's hard for me to say "thank goodness they caught this before" since I'm not convinced the risks the kidney doctor brought up were good enough reasons to cancel the surgery. BUT like I said, I'm learning to accept the situation, adapt, and appreciate that none of this news is worse. It could have been so much worse and I'm desperately thankful that it isn't.

At this point we are waiting for one of the surgeons to get back in town so we can schedule the surgery to remove the mass. The ENT surgeon leads tools up through the nasal and sinus cavities. The neurosurgeon then uses scissors to open up the sac surrounding the mass and a small vacuum sucks up the bad tissue. Apparently this procedure is fairly routine with a quick recovery. Many people have these masses their whole lives with no issues and never know about it until an autopsy after their death reveals it. I'm still hoping to reschedule before the end of the year, but at this point I really have no clue when we'll be back on track to donate.

I am not the most patient person and I've always had a rough time with disappointment. As much as my character has been strengthened so far, I have a feeling that I still have a lot to learn. I'm genuinely trying to stay on the positive side instead of letting sadness and bitterness take over. I am fairly proud of how well I'm doing with this so far.

So instead of having surgery, my parents took me and my boyfriend to dinner at Texas Roadhouse (super yum!) on Thursday. Friday, we helped them put up Christmas lights at the house and rake the lawn. On Saturday, my parents, sister, boyfriend, and I went to the gun show in Sandy. My dad was like a kid in a candy store when he got the ok to purchase a russian military rifle he'd had his eye on. Then we all went to the IMAX theater to watch the new Harry Potter flick compliments of my sister. All in all, it was a nice weekend. I was surrounded by others who could relate to the feelings I was having and just being with them was like a balm to my wounded spirit. Dorky, I know, but true. I'm still truly Thankful for how fortunate we have been. I hope that this is the lowest point and that things can only go up from here.