The Chronicles of Shanarnia vol 1.

Many moments in my life are like an overly dramatic TV sitcom. I’m just the wrong mixed of energetic, impulsive, well intentioned, impatient, and awkward. For your entertainment, I’m going to share these moments with you. Here’s the first of MANY so laugh along, shake your head in pity, and stare in bewilderment as you experience…The Chronicles of Shanarnia *trumpets*bum ba dum baaaaa



We begin our scene in my apartment. I get a brilliant idea for a Christmas present. (because I haven’t given it yet I’m not divulging what this project is exactly) This is typical of how my impulsive mind works. I see an idea in my head and think, I can TOTALLY do that! (for some reason my thoughts have the dialect of a 90’s valley girl) Yippee skippy, life is good. Then there are logistics. Being impatient, I decide to just wing it. Measurements, plans, drawings…for suckers!! I got this in the bag. So I run out and buy things. Paint-check. Hardware-check. Screws…um…what size did I need again? I’ll just eyeball it and buy like 4 different sizes. One of them is bound to fit right? Ok-check. I’m ready to go.


It actually started off better than I had imagined it would. Since this is for someone else, I even made the effort to clean up all the messy bits. Whew, I’m on a roll. High-five Self! Let’s move on.


Measure the area to cover. Now measure again. Measure twice, cut once I always say! Or maybe someone else always says that, I forget. Using a ruler, cut the paper according to my multipley-measured specifications. Put the paper on the thing and….it doesn’t fit. It wasn’t horrible, but it was plenty annoying. So I made some adjustments and made it work. I can handle that imperfection, however, my confidence is beginning to waiver. Hmmmpf….


Now comes the fun part! Power tools!!! Actually just one battery operated drill borrowed from my extra manly BF who is the most patient person I know. (More to come on that.) I should note here that my apartment has no setup for tools of any kind, but I’m a resourceful gal and can make things work!(see previous paragraph) Let’s attach some hardware!! *less than confident grin and sarcastic thumbs up*


Here we go with the measuring again. For some reason, I have no idea why so don’t ask, it made sense to decide where I wanted the hardware to go on the front then try to find that same location on the back and drill from behind. Measure..measure again…and another time for good measure. (ha ha, I didn’t catch that pun until I read this again. Man I’m funny) I figured I’ve certainly learned my lesson about measuring! I start drilling my first hole with a smaller bit. Start small and use bigger and bigger bits. See, I’m ON this! *SNAP* Uh oh. Ok, so that drill bit was a little too small and delicate. I’ll just have to replace it later. Next size up aaaaand…whew, made it through!! On to the next hole…halfway through…. *SNAP* Are you kidding me? What are these drill bits made of? Glass?! *turning many shades of red* I'm going to bed.


I decide to pick up again another night when I wasn’t ready to throw the drill through the window. Coming back, I was trying to think of ways to get a half broken bit out of the wood, but to no avail. Pliers-zero good. Attach the drill to the broken end and drill backwards-even less good, bit now more broken. Grumble grumble hrmphfff….I’ll come back to that. I tentatively decide to start on the other side. At this point I have to use a bigger bit because I’ve broken all of the smaller ones. But that’s ok, I’ll replace those. One hole goes ok. Now drill the other. Sweet! Got through that ok too. The worst must be over!! *big cheesy grin and sigh of relief* Let’s attach this here hardware and…wait…why don’t the holes match? What the crap?! Grrrrrrahhhh!!! This is the point where I discover once you drill a hole, you can't make it bigger very easily. The bit goes right back into the same-damned-hole-you-already-drilled-in-the-stupid-wrong-spot. Maybe if I just angle it this way it won’t slip and…. *SNAP* Mother -Truckin’-Sunufa-Beast!! (This has been censored to prevent the burning of your retinas. Trust me, you don’t want to read what actually came out of my mouth.) Forget about this! Apparently I’m too dumb to drill 4 simple holes in wood. Really? I mean come on! It’s not rocket science!!!! I’m going to bed.


I worked on other presents and pushed that one to the back burner. I really wanted to get it done but it was looming in my brain like the Grinch over Cindy Loo’s Christmas tree. Who wants to deal with that crap?! So one weekend morning, after volunteering for Candy Cane Corner, in my little do-gooder buzz I decided it was the perfect time to take another stab at the holes. I ran over to the Home Depot for replacement bits. Holy cow! I find a set with a gazillion bits that’s only half the price of the other sets with a gazillion bits. Woop woop! I snatched that sucker right on up and headed home. I was expecting the BF to show up that afternoon so I debated waiting for him and asking for help. That’s logical, but I’m well intentioned and impatient, remember? I break open the new set and decide to use the big blade looking bit with the spike in the middle. No idea what it’s for, but if I could just dig around the stuck drill bit…whoa dude I got it out! An idea of mine actually worked. I must be back in business! I’ll just grab another bit, take care of that pesky hole in the wrong spot and… *SNAP* Sniff…this can’t be happening…sniff…keep it together Shannon, he’ll be here soon to save you…sniff sniff.


Thankfully the doorbell soon rang. I can only imagine the scowl on my face. I was trying to look neutral but the second I opened the door, he said “What’s wrong?”


Me: I’m too stupid to drill.

Him: Well show me what we’re looking at.

Me: Um…first you should know that I broke several drill bits. I felt really bad so I went and bought some. Better ones. MORE ones!

Walking into the room that looks like a Home Depot tornado just ripped through
Him: glancing at new bits Oh Shannon, we’re taking that back.
Me: sniffle But why? It’s nice and you’ll have everything you need right there in one spot.
Him: I’ll never use half of these. It’s a nice thought, but I’m sure you spent way too much on it.
Me: lip tremble No I didn’t! It was a really good deal I promise. Just consider it a Christmas present. Besides, I broke one of the new bits already.
Him: Let’s drill these holes and take it back. We’ll see what they can do about the broken one.
Me: full breakdown mode I can’t do anything right! I can’t drill holes. I try to do something nice and you don’t even want it!!! sob sob sob incoherent mumbling


(Here’s the part where I mean he’s the most patient person ever)


Him: reassuringly rubbing my back It’s ok, you’re having a bad day. Drilling holes isn’t easy so don’t feel bad. I already have some of those things and I don’t want you to spend money on something I won’t use.

Me: major frowny face Ok I guess

As he’s drilling I point to the sticker on the box and start up again about how it costs more to buy them all separately. Then I ask him how much he thought I’d spent. His number was more than twice what I paid! Ah hah!! I didn’t screw up. Well not completely anyway! I proudly announced what I paid and that I’d only gotten that set because it was so much cheaper than the other ones. So he relented and decided he would keep it. YAY!

Within 15 minutes the holes were drilled beautifully and I was all set to attach hardware. I walk away from the experience with a couple of thoughts…


…Really Shannon? You can’t put holes in wood? This is after the BF kept saying “you broke the bits?” “and you were drilling through wood right?” In all fairness, he broke an older one too AND said he thought this was a cheaper set AND that the drill wasn’t great either.


…Why am I such a freaking girl? How is it the end of the world that he didn’t need my impulse buy? A million other problems, but that one is the straw? I don’t get it.


…Yay! What a great idea for a present!! Problems? What problems? I don’t remember any problems.