Is it just me or was this Christmas extra stressful? Lemme hear an AMEN! I always find myself going way overboard and needing to give everyone I know something. I start out saying "I'm giving George* something" *names have been changed to protect the innocent That turns into "Well if I give George something, I have to give everyone who's ever even heard of George something too. I mean what if George says 'Look at this awesome gift Shannon gave me' and then that person is offended I didn't give them something? Then, what if they give me something and I don't have something to give them in return?!" (nevermind the fact that didn't happen once) It ends up being a total mess. I'm so happy to have that over with. In fact, I was so excited to finally have some time for myself to get back to reading crafty blogs. Only I found that was exhausting too because it was all Christmas related!!!! THUD THUD THUD Sorry guys, it seems my head bashing against my desk has made a permanent dent. I swear my poor BF has found himself, multiple times, prying me from the fetal position while I'm rocking back and forth, fully clothed in the hot shower, mumbling "For the love of all that's holy, when will it be over?!"
Lucky for him, it's a new fresh year! Actually I'm not sure how fresh it really is. Personally, I think someone forgot to defrost it when they pulled it out of the cryochamber where it's been in suspended animation for several decades. And by that I mean it's friggin' freezing cold. Just ask the frozen ball of horse doo that my BF threw at my car. That puppy hit my window sounding like a solid rock (I'm still shocked my window didn't break) then landed on my car hood where it didn't budge for the entire trip from Provo to Logan. Of course it came off on the 5 minute trip to Village Inn the next day and rolled under my hood right by my windshield wipers. Before it could thaw, my chivalrous BF decided to be kind and pull it out only to then throw it at me. Boys I swear....Anyway, that was way off topic. Sorry.
Back to the subject at hand. It's a new year and with that many people make all kinds of resolutions. To be honest, I'm no good at that sort of thing. My priorities change almost daily. So I like to make short term goals instead. My goals for the next few weeks are to finish sprucing up my bedroom. I really want to make it more of a retreat. I've already done a bunch, but it's still pretty sparse. I also want to organize my extra room and turn it into a craft room/office. This will take some time and probably move to the back burner knowing me, but it's higher on the list at the moment.
There are things I've done better this year, though. For example, I've kept my apartment much cleaner. I know there are plenty of people out there who would say "ouch, what was it like before?!" but I'm pretty happy with myself. It's shocking for me to see the difference in my energy levels, motivations, etc. when I'm not struggling emotionally. It's been a happy year for me overall and I can see potential for this year to get even better.
I think my main, long term goal is to learn to forgive myself for things I have done in my past. I want to be a nice person. I want to have people at my funeral say that I was a sincere friend and that I was always willing to help when there was a need. Some people tell me that I am nice. And yes, I can do nice things from time to time. However, I have done my fair share of unkind things as well. I think I have a good heart, but I've let outside factors like a lack of happiness take over and turn me into a person I never wanted to be. I've made decisions that seem outrageous to me now simply because I was unhappy. How crazy is it that in a crisis of self, I hurt others? It's really been weighing heavily on my mind. These choices have caused me to burn certain bridges so the opportunity to apologize in person is not immediately available. So what do I do? I think I've got a decent plan. Here are my thoughts and tell me what I'm missing here.
1. Don't let it get me too far down. I don't think it's a bad thing to feel guilty for mistakes in my past, but it's important I still remember that overall, I'm a good person.
2. Learn a lesson from it. I have to learn to recognize when I'm in a crisis of self and how to get through it without affecting others. It's a challenge, but I don't have to make the same mistakes again. I've got enough to be sorry about without adding more to the pile!
3. If I do have the chance, apologize. I am learning to stop making excuses and being defensive while I apologize. I'm actually surprised how automatic that defensive response is when I feel bad about something. For some reason I make excuse after excuse for myself. It's annoying just listening to me stick my foot in my mouth. I need to be heartfelt and humble or it means nothing.
4. Remember I'm nobody. Don't freak out, this is a good thing. I actually read this in a magazine lately and it really resonated. I'm not famous, I'm not internationally influential, etc. I can sit here and get all worried about the small stuff, but in the grand scheme of things, life goes on. This helps motivate me to move on from my past mistakes. I truly believe my future kindnesses will have a greater affect on the world. I just need to constantly work to improve myself and the rest will fall into place.
Man I've been annoyingly philosophical lately. I've really got to get my camera working so I can quit the introspective junk and show off some cute crafts I've done!
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